【succulent eroticism】

Being a human on succulent eroticismthe internet in the year 2017 means developing collective crushes on various entertainers that provide wonderful distractions from the horrors of the world (or, you know, just your typical bad day).

These are your Benedict Cumberbatches, your Ryan Goslings. Celebrity Internet Boyfriends are great and always there when you need them with a witty GIF or a fun Tumblr meme. And unlike real-life significant others, they are wonderfully complication-free!

Well... normally.

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As awards season is heating up, we're hitting prime time for the point when we get to see the most of our favorite entertainers. And Sunday night the 2017 Golden Globes provided high and low moments for both old guard Internet Boyfriends like Gosling as well as promising up and comers like Dev Patel.

SEE ALSO: Ryan Gosling proves Feminist Ryan Gosling meme is real during his Golden Globe speech

Below, highly scientific rankings of how the various boyfriends of the internet fared during the broadcast.

1. Ryan Gosling

One of the original Boyfriends, Gosling soared to the No. 1 spot after his thoughtful speech about partner Eva Mendes. Leaning hard into the Feminist Ryan Gosling meme, Gosling movingly highlighted just how much emotional labor Mendes did making their lives stay on track. Additionally, he was always ready with a pitch-perfect reaction shot throughout the evening. 10/10, perfect crush behavior, would swoon again.

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2. Donald Glover

While no newbie, Glover definitely got the Star is Born treatment during the show, picking up wins for his performance on Atlanta, as well as for the show itself. Obviously he looked great in his suit, but it was his inspirational words behind the podium that really had us texting our friends. Plus: He shouted out Migos. Cool bae FTW.

SEE ALSO: Meryl Streep is the moral compass the world needs now

3. Andrew Garfield

Garfield, a problem-free Englishman that doubles as the superhero of my heart, had a solid outing at the Globes. He made sure to create a buzzy moment by giving Ryan Reynolds an extended lip lock when Gosling beat Reynolds in Lead Actor in a Comedy/Musical (Oscar campaigning isn't going to do itself). Minus one point for the questionable Ryan Reynolds kissing stunt, plus five points for the total class move of giving a standing ovation to your ex when she wins her Globe and you take a page from La La Landand imagine what could have been (we assume).

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4. Dev Patel

Don't confuse his No. 4 slot as a slam. Patel is rising quickly (note the new facial hair) and no less than Ellen DeGeneres thinks big things, crush-wise, are in store for the actor in 2017. Sunday night, Patel gave the internet the requisite "Oh cool, I'm now pregnant" moment when he presented with Lionco-star, and all-around cutest human, Sunny Pawar. FAM.

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5. Tom Hiddleston

Oh, Tom. What went wrong? To be fair, Tom's drop down the list began over the summer right around the time he decided donning an "I Heart T.S." shirt was a good idea. But Sunday night forced many fans to confront the inconvenient fact that the actor... might not be so woke. While accepting an award for his role on The Night Manager, Hiddleston seemed to suggest that Actors Are The Real Heroes.

"A group of young men and women tottered over to the table, and we were all having what they call a ‘dirty beer' in humanitarian language," he started out, regrettably. "They were a group of Médecins Sans Frontières doctors and nurses. And they wanted to say hello because during the shelling the previous month, they had binge-watched The Night Manager."

Generously, he probably was rambling and just sort of misspoke (this TMZ footage from later in the evening does not really support that fact, though), but repeated incidences of this kind of behavior can break you up with internet if you aren't careful. Never fear. These purely subjective rankings mean you can always bounce back.

*Note: We only ranked dudes who memorably appeared at the Golden Globes. We're sure come Oscar time current internet obsession Oscar Isaac, as well as stalwart of the old guard Benedict Cumberbatch, will be back in the mix.

Topics Golden Globes Celebrities