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Apple's MacBook Pro event last Thursday was going well — as well as making a Touch Bar sound exciting could enemas for eroticismgo — until Phil Schiller, the company's senior vice president of worldwide marketing, announced a low-end 13-inch MacBook Pro with a regular row of function keys for its "other customers" (his words) who would normally choose a MacBook Air.

It was a confusing product announcement made worse when he announced its $1,499 price tag. The laptop makes no sense in Apple's lineup except to fill a price point gap between the $999 13-inch MacBook Air and the $1,799 13-inch MacBook Pro with Touch Bar.

I was racking my noggin all weekend trying to figure out who would buy the Touch Bar-less MacBook Pro, and I'm convinced now that nobody should buy it.

From the outside, the entry-level MacBook Pro looks virtually indistinguishable from the model with a Touch Bar.

It's a beautiful 3-pound laptop hewn from aluminum. It looks even more stunning in Space Gray. The trackpad is ginormous and the micro-drilled speaker grilles that flank the keyboard scream power. Even the keyboard, which uses second-generation butterfly switches, feels better to type on than the ultra-flat first-gen keys on the 12-inch MacBook.

The 13.3-inch Retina display is even more gorgeous in person with increased brightness, wider color gamut and thinner bezels. I also like the return of the "MacBook Pro" branding below the display.

Now that you know the entry-level MacBook Pro is indeed a pretty, pretty machine, here's why you absolutely should not buy it.

1. Doesn't have the Touch Bar

If you buy into Apple's vision, the Touch Bar is the future. It's where video editors will look to quickly move their timelines and where DJs will go to push buttons and make bangin' songs, according to the demos Apple showed.

If Touch Bar is next-gen laptop tech, then who in their right mind is going to buy last-gen function key tech?

"This is crazy — keeping 45-year-old technology around and mapping other things to them," Schiller said as he introduced the new Touch Bar.

Exactly. You don't want to buy 45-year-old technology.

2. Doesn't have Touch ID

Along with lacking a Touch Bar, the entry-level MacBook Pro doesn't have a Touch ID sensor. With Touch ID your MacBook Pro is even more secure than ever before.

As Touch ID on iPhone and iPad have shown, using a fingerprint to log into your device is fast and convenient. Touch ID can even log into different macOS Sierra user accounts based on different fingerprints.

Trust me when I say: You want Touch ID. Because who wants to enter passwords ever again? Plus, you can use Touch ID to pay for things in Safari.

3. Less performance

From processing power to graphics performance, the entry-level MacBook Pro is less mighty than its Touch Bar brother. The RAM's slower 1866MHz memory, too.

Anyone who's considering a "Pro" machine should care about performance. You want lots of it because you're likely going to be doing things that will need more oomph, like video editing or CAD or reliably streaming 4K videos while juggling your dissertation.

4. Only two ports

Not counting the headphone jack that's still on the right side, the entry-level MacBook Pro only has two Thunderbolt 3 (USB-C) ports.

That's two less than the MacBook Pro with Touch Bar and a handful less than the 13-inch MacBook Air, which has a MagSafe, two full-sized USB 3.0 ports, a Thunderbolt 3 port, headphone jack andan SDXC memory card slot.

After using one port for charging you're left with only one other port. For power users, one port isn't enough to do much.

5. Costs way more than a MacBook Air

Remember earlier how I noted Schiller said the entry-level MacBook Pro was designed for people who would normally pick a MacBook Air?

That may be true, but at $500 more, it's considerably pricey. I know lots of students who would rather spend that extra money elsewhere (like towards a new iPhone).

The Air doesn't have a Retina display, but honestly, most people don't care. I'm willing to bet most budget-strapped customers will pick it over the new entry-level MacBook Pro since it's got tons of ports, longer 13-hour battery life and costs $500 less.

There's no room for filler

I'm not going to pretend like the new MacBook Pros aren't expensive — because they are veryexpensive.

The new entry-level MacBook Pro is $200 more than the entry-level 13-inch MacBook Pro (a computer Apple still sells) was last year and $500 more than the 13-inch MacBook Air.

If you're looking at Apple's MacBook lineup and wondering if you should buy the entry-level MacBook Pro, you should pretend like it doesn't exist.

Here's my breakdown on how to decide which MacBook is for you:

13-inch MacBook Air ($999)

• You want a light machine

• You need lots of ports

• You don't care about a Retina display

• You want the longest battery life

• You don't want to spend a fortune

12-inch MacBook ($1,299):

• You want the lightest machine

• You're mostly browsing the web

• You almost never use accessories

13-inch MacBook Pro with Touch Bar ($1,799)

• You want a thin and light machine

• You want power for video editing

• You're ready for a USB-C future

• You don't mind using dongles

• You want the Touch Bar and Touch ID

• You want the newest Apple gadget

15-inch MacBook Pro with Touch Bar

• You're probably using it as desktop replacement

• You want the largest screen

• You need discrete graphics for high-performance tasks

• You're ready for a USB-C future

• You don't mind using dongles

• You want the Touch Bar and Touch ID

• You want the newest Apple gadget

• Price is no object