【literary criticism eroticism】

SIGH. Here we go again. I feel like everywhere I turn I'm hearing the question we've all heard since the early 2000s: "Should the new Captain Spip be literary criticism eroticisma woman?"

Let me explain: no, he shouldn’t. Case closed!

That's why when I, a red-blooded male, saw a news alert yesterday that Judy Dench will be the voice of Captain Spip in the new season of Biowhale Deep Space, I ripped my shirt off in the grocery store and screamed as loud as I could for 10 straight minutes.

SEE ALSO: I have drawn the Trump administration as Sonic the Hedgehog and I am ready to answer for it

Captain Spip is many things: a cunning negotiator, a brilliant space detective, a CGI whale head on a human body that solves crimes on a low end British cable network. What he is NOT is a GIRL.

I mean, what's next, Spip stops eating squid burgers? He sells the Fydget Hexter and starts flying around the universe in an old renovated Greyhound bus?? He becomes friends with the NovaEels? LOL. Absurd! That's what you sound like though, asking if Spip should be played by a woman! You sound insane! YOU. SOUND. CRAZY.

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Didn't think so. Credit: mashable composite; shutterstock

Sometimes I, a man with hot red blood piping through his veins, like to imagine that I am Captain Spip, hurtling through the Vexxor nebula on my time traveling tandem bike, killing all the Eels in my path. I imagine that I am undercover in the belly of the bastard Kilgor's moon base, sabotaging his Umptilian core and discovering the evidence I need to put him away for all time. And now you ask me to pretend to be/empathize with a girl character who does the exact same bullshit?

That scares me in a deeply troubling away that I have been dealing with my entire life.

Look, I get it. The Biowhale Deep Space series has been through a lot of upheaval lately -- what with the departure of Brack Tillman (Cpt. Spip since 2011), the firing of showrunner Mark Whiteperson, the utter failure of the Biowhale first person shooter video game -- but changing an aspect of the show to excite a large amount of the fanbase and grant a new angle to a character who has existed since literally the first year of TV, 1927, is NOTthe solution.

If this upcoming season is for real and the new Spip is a female character it will literally destroy me. I'm not speaking hyperbolically. I will turn to vapor and wisp away into nothingness -- I will cease to be. PLEASE reconsider this.

That being said I thought the trailer looked okay, otherwise.

Thanks for reading Mashable Humor: original comedy every day. Or most days. We're people, just like you, and we're trying our best.

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